I want to tell you that I’ve changed.

Call me crazy, call me blind, to still be suffering is stupid after all of this time. -M&M

I had been a fool in front of you.

It has been 3 years. And I still have feelings for you. It’s not unnatural in the least. It’s unrequited love. I don’t know anymore if it hurts or not.

I can’t decide whether I should feel pleased to have been able to get your number and text you. I never could talk to you face to face. I was too nervous. I ran away when you called out my name. Yes. I was really stupid. So should I be happy that I could at least communicate with you or feel sad that I met you at a point in my life when everything was new to me and I let you see the dumb side of me?

I was immature then. It was the first time I genuinely liked someone. And the feelings are still there even though you have moved away to someplace far away.
I’m sorry to have been so impolite to you sometimes when it was not your fault. I understand that now. I realise how annoying I had been. I am thoroughly embarrassed about it. Yes, even now. Though it had happened two years back.
Sorry for the pages and pages of texts in which you hardly had any interest, I realise now. God, I had been so stupid!

I would like you to meet the changed me. I’m much more mature now. I have learnt how to deal with people and behave around them. I have learnt by seeing the stupidity of others and I have laughed at myself for being one of them a few years back.

I wish I could rewind time to the first time I had seen you and felt the gravity of your presence. I want to act then with the knowledge I have now. Maybe you would have liked me then?

I bet you don’t remember me anymore. Even if you do, you probably don’t bother. It’s alright. I would have been the same if I would have been in your place.

I won’t know how to act in front of you if I ever meet you again. Would you recognize me? I’m not sure if I’ll recognize you- I had been too shy to look at your face for long and before I could do so, you were gone.

You have given me few nice memories and I still remember the happiness I had felt then. The texts. The call. The reason you had given. I won’t forget them.

Even though I don’t think of you all the time, you come back in spurts in my dreams and memories and subconsciously I search for your characteristics in other guys. I have not found anyone similar to you.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to erase you completely from my life.
In a way I want to, because the hopelessness of failing as a friend and ruining my own image in front of you, leaves a deep sense of regret somewhere inside me.


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